The Friendship Factor

betsey: Jane, do you think women are ever satisfied with their "friendship life"? The reason I ask is, a while back I got into a conversation with a woman I know, a very competent professional, a wife and mom, strong Christian, AND someone who comes across as "popular," if you know what I mean -- and she shared a few things with me about some of her relational struggles. I've had conversations like this before; in fact, I've written and spoken about it and have been surprised at the women who told me they were lonely or felt disconnected from their church or were too busy for friends.

For me, as I've moved past the childrearing years and generally into a surer sense of myself, I've really been trying to pay attention to friendships, make them a priority, both couple friendships for Fritz and me and relationships with other women. But even then, there are questions: how often do you get together? Does emailing count? What about mutuality, or lack thereof? I thought I'd have all this figured out by now.

jane: Friendships can be so fluid. You think you've got your nice little circle of friends all set, and then something upsets the apple cart. Someone moves away or makes a newer "best friend." Or perhaps you move, or you change jobs or stop working, and the friendships you counted on fizzle out or fade away. Then you're back to Square One. And I think (and other women have told me this as well) that the older you get, the more difficult it is to make new friends.

Two years ago, I wrote about the "feast or famine" nature of friendship. I was riding high on a surfeit of friends, even though I recognized the pendulum could (and probably would) swing in the other direction. Now it has begun to. I'm starting to grapple with a touch of loneliness right now, as circumstances in my life are shifting.

betsey: Right now I wouldn't exactly say I was lonely, but I think I would be if Amanda wasn't around. Not just because she's my kid, but because she provides the warm, fun companionship of a young woman; she fills a hole. I remember the feeling of emptiness when she was in college.

jane: I WISH my daughters were close by, because I would love to enjoy that warm, fun companionship with them, too. But I do have a concern about that. I wouldn't want to lean too much on my daughters to fill a friendship void in my life, because I'm not sure that would be totally fair to them. They're at that stage of life where they're forging their own friends. I wouldn't want to be overly dependent on them, making them feel as though they "have to" spend time with dear old mom. 

Do you ever worry about that with Amanda?

betsey: Yes, that has crossed my mind. I think that used to be more of an issue when she was single. If I hadn’t heard from her for a couple of days I would call and say “what are you up to?” and then be annoyed at myself because I sounded so needy. Now that she’s married we try to take our cue from them. You’re exactly right about not making our girls fill our “girlfriend” needs.

I think the idea of "friends as family" is powerful, and as society changes, this may assume more resonance. I know some single people who take this very seriously. So you always share holidays, or you cook a meal together, or even just hang out watching TV together, and maybe one of you dozes off and it's all very sweet. You're not just getting together on "state occasions."

But for any of this to happen, you have to somehow signal to others: I need you. And that isn't always so easy.

jane: Sometimes you just have to be brave and come out with it. I remember a woman who lived across the street from me. She and her husband and children had transferred into the Midwest from Baltimore. She struggled to make friends and to get her bearings in an unfamiliar area. What she started to do on holidays was invite over a family from our Sunday school class who were also from the East -- Boston, I believe. These two families became fast friends and spent every holiday together that they were in town. Together they created their own tradition, their own extended "family."

Because I always spent holidays with my extended family -- even if it's only been my mom and dad -- I used to think this somewhat strange. I wondered if it would feel uncomfortable to be with “strangers.” But I now see the wisdom in this approach -- it definitely meets a need! And it's in line with biblical hospitality.

betsey: It really is. And others -- Rodney Clapp among them -- have written eloquently about what it means to be “family” and looking beyond just our own blood kin, so to speak. I love that idea of creating traditions in the family of God.

Which raises the question: What would it look like to extend the arms of that “family” further outward?