Growing Good Women

betsey: Happy Groundhog Day, Jane! (Or did I say that before?) By now we will know if the Storm of the Century has buried our fair city. I think Punxsutawney Phil has the right idea -- just go back to your burrow and sack out for another six weeks.

On a brighter note, I have to tell you how proud I am of my kid. We were over there for dinner recently and she cooked. Oh yes she did. Delicious fajitas, nicely presented. I watched as she deftly made her way about the kitchen, chopping cilantro, draining liquid, setting out condiments in small bowls, even warming the tortillas. This is the young woman who has always insisted she disliked cooking, did not want to spend any more time in the kitchen than absolutely necessary, and viewed a bowl of cereal as a perfectly fine supper. It was, you might say, a moment. And it made me think about how wonderful it is when you see your adult children becoming, well, adults, with all that entails. Making the right choices. Living competently on their own. Thinking maturely about life and work and love and God.

I’m sure you can relate, with your two.

jane: Certainly – especially as my eldest daughter Sarah will soon be a mom! I'm very proud of the way she conducts herself in her relationships, especially with her husband, Mike, and how she lives out her faith. And I'm very proud of how Emily, who is single, has navigated so many adult tasks, such as purchasing her first car – something, I might add, I've never done solo. She holds down a demanding job and handles the inevitable work stress it creates. And for a girl whose bedroom was the messiest, most chaotic place (are you reading this, Emily? You know it's true!), I'm thrilled at the pride of ownership she exhibits in the way she cares for her apartment. A few weekends ago, she and her roommate hosted a baby shower. I wish I could have attended it; Emily has excellent taste in decorating and event planning.

betsey: Well, she comes by it naturally! But then you and I have both known wonderful parents whose kids are floundering. You always hear that there’s nothing parents do, that it’s all the child. But parents must have some effect, positive and negative. For instance, as wonderful as our daughter is, there are certainly things we could have done differently. We were probably too lax about chores. I know for sure both grandmas thought we were too inconsistent about discipline, issuing dire warnings about how when she became a teen it would be too late and she would be tyrannizing her weak-willed parents and on the road to perdition . . .

How about you guys?

jane: Well, let's just say my girls have always liked to “sleep in.” As in stay in bed until noon or thereabouts. Rich will tell me pointedly that I cultivated that habit as an over-reaction to my childhood, in which my mother used to play John Philip Sousa music LOUDLY in our small ranch home to roust the troops. To this day, I'm still not real fond of band music, except in The Music Man.

I also used to let the girls sleep in during summers while I worked part-time outside the home. Somehow, this sleeping-in habit morphed from an occasional luxury into a right. Well, now that they're grown with jobs, this lounging act is no longer feasible. But I notice they continue to sleep in when they're visiting us, and I'll admit (but not to Rich), it can be a little annoying. Oh well, shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Our parenting style was stricter than some and laxer than others. Discipline is a balancing act, and honestly, one that wears you out as a parent. It can create a lot of hand-wringing and second-guessing. In the end, you make the best decisions you know to make.

betsey: The truth is, I do know parents I think were too strict, or too lax, or too overprotective, and the results have not been pretty. At the same time, you can point to other situations where kids grew up in less-than-ideal circumstances and turned out wonderfully. So . . . who knows? But now that our daughters are grown, what do you think is a parent’s role? I know some feel you have to be very hands-off, and certainly you have to respect your child as an independent adult.

jane: I tend to be more hands off, but maybe that's a function of the fact we live in different states. What kind of a mother-monster would I be if we lived as close as you and Amanda do? I could develop unrealistic expectations and attempt to manipulate them on some level. But I work hard on avoiding this. I know I don't like to be controlled, so I extrapolate that to my daughters. I try.

betsey: Where does imparting wisdom come in? Or what if you see your grown child making a poor decision?

jane: That's a tough one. I think you can say to your child what needs to be said – but then that's it. I don't think inducing guilt or harping on the issue constantly (no matter how subtle we think we are!) is productive. And, let's face it, your adult child knows where you stand on moral choices and matters of faith. Wisdom comes from pausing before speaking, and taking the time to remember what it felt like to be in your twenties. I step back and think about how I felt as a young married woman, how I reacted to certain comments or suggestions. Then I tell myself that's exactly how I might make Sarah or Em feel if I responded similarly. I attempt to put myself in their shoes – but boy, I'm far from perfect. Every now and then I just hear that needy intonation in my voice during a phone conversation . . . as in “Aren't you coming home soon?” I have a few good friends to remind me that when I was in my twenties, my world didn't revolve around my parents, so I shouldn't expect my daughters' worlds to revolve around me!

betsey: I think mine revolved around finding a job, a mate, and the right mascara -- not necessarily in that order. So you’re right, parents don’t enter much into the equation. At the same time, those moments with our girls, whether sharing fajitas or bonding over baby gifts, are precious – and I think it’s okay if we allow ourselves an inner “pat on the back” from time to time for helping God grow such good women.