Easter Blessings from BETSEY:JANE

Openings
Now is the shining fabric of our day
Torn open, flung apart, rent wide by love.
Never again the tight, enclosing sky,
The blue bowl or star-illumined tent.
We are laid open to infinity
For Easter love has burst his tomb and ours.
Now nothing shelters us from God's desire -
Not flesh, not sky, not stars, not even sin.
Now glory waits so He can enter in.
Now does the dance begin.

~Elizabeth Rooney, as collected in A Widening Light: Poems of the Incarnation, edited by

 Luci Shaw, Harold Shaw Publishers (1984.)

Can a Husband Be a Best Friend?

jane: Last week we ended our blog with a question about if one can have too many best friends. But I've been thinking along a slightly line . . . wondering about if a husband can truly be a “best friend.” You know, I always say Rich is my best friend. And, in many, many ways, we ARE each other's best friend. We simply enjoy spending our free time with each other. There's nobody I'd rather do stuff with than Rich.

What about you, Betsey? Do you consider Fritz your best friend?

betsey: It's funny you should bring this up right now, Jane, because I was looking at "husband" birthday cards in the store just last night and was struck by the number that say, "To My Husband, My Best Friend!" So obviously this is a common sentiment. I do think Fritz is my "best friend." Like you, we're very companionable and always have been; we have similar temperaments and values and can spend long chunks of time together without getting on each other's nerves.

jane: While I would consider Rich my best friend, he still doesn't meet all the peculiarities of friendship my “best friend” female friends do. For instance, I can't vent to him about him (not that I do that, anyway). I wouldn't ask him if any offending hairs are visibly sprouting anywhere –- say, a chin! There are male/female differences –- that whole Mars/Venus thing –- that color my friendship with Rich. For instance, he'll grow impatient with the way I analyze a problem (a whole lot of verbal rehashing, along with a dose of hand-wringing and a tad of second-guessing) or fantasize about household projects (he sees “Honey-do” written all over my daydreams; I hate to admit, he's usually right). Rich doesn't pay the kind of attention to the details of a conversation as I would like; he doesn't always capture the nuances of an interaction that a woman is better able to pick up on.

betsey: Amen and amen. And the other side of this is, we shouldn't be everything to our men -- they need guy companionship too. I do think as a rule men are more content with us being their main friend than we are with them as our main friend.

I wonder if this friendship thing is true of all couples, though. I know some husbands and wives who really do not share many of the same interests, but they say it works for them because they aren't living out of each other's pockets all the time so the relationship stays fresh. But I wouldn't like that, living really separate lives. What do you think? Do you think you and Rich have a good balance between togetherness and independence?

jane: Well, as Rich works out of our house, we're together a lot. But there's spatial togetherness and there's emotional togetherness. Sometimes we're thisclose, and other times, it feels as though we're spending time on separate planets. But that's the yin/yang, ebb-and-flow nature to marriage, don't you think? I wonder if balance, while a noble goal, is really possible in real life with real people.

I guess balance involves allowing for independence without losing togetherness.That's a dance! Remember that old .38 Special song, “Hold On Loosely”? I think there's wisdom to its lyrics: “Just hold on loosely, but don't let go/If you cling too tight babe,/you're gonna loose control./Your baby needs someone to believe in/and a whole lot of space to breathe in.” Yeah! That about says it. 

betsey: I think about that balance as I look toward the "next phase" of our lives together as a couple. I guess for me the most rewarding kind of marriage is the "looking out in the same direction" kind of relationship –- involved in interesting things, maybe ministering together in some way.

jane: I like that. But maybe I'd put it this way: Rich and I are moving forward in the same direction together. Together, with our best friend in the world.

What Should You Expect from Your Friends?

betsey: Jane, I want to pursue this idea we brought up a while back about what it takes to actually maintain a friendship, not just “structurally” (e.g. how many times do you see each other) but emotionally. Related to that is, what can we reasonably expect of our friends?

For example, it used to be a big deal that you should check in by phone with friends. It isn’t as important as it used to be, but I’ve never been a phone person, except with my daughter. I know people who are what I call “pick up the phone” types; they’ll have a spare minute and whip out their phone and just call someone to chat. I’ve never been that way so at times I’ve felt guilty over lack of reciprocity: she calls, I don’t.

jane: Oh my goodness, I didn't realize you aren't a phone person; I've NEVER been one. As a kid, I was intimidated by talking to people on the phone. Of course I had to get over that rather abruptly in the workplace and talked a lot (and conducted many, many interviews) by phone. But somehow, during that initial moment of having to dial, I'll still feel that momentary twinge of aversion . . .

But more about friendship and less about phobias! I guess I find email and texting have supplanted most of what a phone call used to accomplish in friendships. For example, look at us! How many times have we talked by phone? Yet our friendship is strong, forged by times together in person and times interacting over the Internet.

But I'd have to admit, if I'd sent you several emails and didn't hear back from you, I'd feel a tad neglected as a friend and wonder what was up.

betsey: I think we can get stuck on reciprocity. Over time there have been people who have invited me/us over more than I did them. But then I’ve had other friends who never reciprocated. Now, I think as Christians we should resist a “quid pro quo” mentality; still, when you feel like you’re doing more of the giving, it can breed resentment.

Does this happen to you?

jane: A definite yes. And we're getting into what I call my “pet-peeve territory.” I used to (operative word, used to) have a friend who never initiated anything. We'd get together for coffee or for dinner somewhere, and when we said our good-byes, she'd say, “Let's do this again soon.” But I was always the one to follow up and arrange for the next time. Someone out there is thinking, Duh, she just wasn't that into you, but honestly, I don't think that was the case. It's just that for some unknown reason, this woman shied away from initiating. And it made everything about our friendship feel very lopsided. I got irritated enough that I stopped contacting her – and that was that.

betsey: I can also be guilty of simply expecting too much, although I think this is less true as I’ve gotten old and maybe a bit less insecure! But you know how it is, we all read these articles or books about women with their friends who run over all the time and are so available and warmly understanding and not competitive and . . . you know. And we feel hurt when it seems our friends aren’t living up to this standard.

jane: Aw, Betsey, but I'm that way. Aren't I???

betsey: You really are, and I hope I am too, but I do think women can so long for that perfect soul-mate friend that we’re wanting something only God can supply – which gets back to that “idols” issue we were discussing last week.

Another interesting and possibly unanswerable question is, is there a limit on the number of close friends one can have?

jane: Sounds like we have our blog topic for next week. Can't wait to dissect that one!