Can a Husband Be a Best Friend?

jane: Last week we ended our blog with a question about if one can have too many best friends. But I've been thinking along a slightly line . . . wondering about if a husband can truly be a “best friend.” You know, I always say Rich is my best friend. And, in many, many ways, we ARE each other's best friend. We simply enjoy spending our free time with each other. There's nobody I'd rather do stuff with than Rich.

What about you, Betsey? Do you consider Fritz your best friend?

betsey: It's funny you should bring this up right now, Jane, because I was looking at "husband" birthday cards in the store just last night and was struck by the number that say, "To My Husband, My Best Friend!" So obviously this is a common sentiment. I do think Fritz is my "best friend." Like you, we're very companionable and always have been; we have similar temperaments and values and can spend long chunks of time together without getting on each other's nerves.

jane: While I would consider Rich my best friend, he still doesn't meet all the peculiarities of friendship my “best friend” female friends do. For instance, I can't vent to him about him (not that I do that, anyway). I wouldn't ask him if any offending hairs are visibly sprouting anywhere –- say, a chin! There are male/female differences –- that whole Mars/Venus thing –- that color my friendship with Rich. For instance, he'll grow impatient with the way I analyze a problem (a whole lot of verbal rehashing, along with a dose of hand-wringing and a tad of second-guessing) or fantasize about household projects (he sees “Honey-do” written all over my daydreams; I hate to admit, he's usually right). Rich doesn't pay the kind of attention to the details of a conversation as I would like; he doesn't always capture the nuances of an interaction that a woman is better able to pick up on.

betsey: Amen and amen. And the other side of this is, we shouldn't be everything to our men -- they need guy companionship too. I do think as a rule men are more content with us being their main friend than we are with them as our main friend.

I wonder if this friendship thing is true of all couples, though. I know some husbands and wives who really do not share many of the same interests, but they say it works for them because they aren't living out of each other's pockets all the time so the relationship stays fresh. But I wouldn't like that, living really separate lives. What do you think? Do you think you and Rich have a good balance between togetherness and independence?

jane: Well, as Rich works out of our house, we're together a lot. But there's spatial togetherness and there's emotional togetherness. Sometimes we're thisclose, and other times, it feels as though we're spending time on separate planets. But that's the yin/yang, ebb-and-flow nature to marriage, don't you think? I wonder if balance, while a noble goal, is really possible in real life with real people.

I guess balance involves allowing for independence without losing togetherness.That's a dance! Remember that old .38 Special song, “Hold On Loosely”? I think there's wisdom to its lyrics: “Just hold on loosely, but don't let go/If you cling too tight babe,/you're gonna loose control./Your baby needs someone to believe in/and a whole lot of space to breathe in.” Yeah! That about says it. 

betsey: I think about that balance as I look toward the "next phase" of our lives together as a couple. I guess for me the most rewarding kind of marriage is the "looking out in the same direction" kind of relationship –- involved in interesting things, maybe ministering together in some way.

jane: I like that. But maybe I'd put it this way: Rich and I are moving forward in the same direction together. Together, with our best friend in the world.