Where Do You Find Friends?

jane: Betsey, I'm mulling over last week's discussion on friendship, and thinking about how I revealed I'd been feeling a bit lonely lately. I asked a friend who transferred her family out of state several years ago how she dealt with the loneliness of a long-distance move. I can't imagine pulling myself away from dear friends I've had for years, as well as our book club, my Bible study gals, and various other church- and dog park-related connections that have become part of my "circle." She told me it took her three years to find a truly close friend! That sounds like wandering in the desert, to be honest. I don't feel I'd handle that very well.

Have you ever been transplanted somewhere, with the challenge of cultivating a totally new circle of friends?

betsey: No, and that might be one reason we’ve never moved (out of the area). A few years ago we seriously considered a move to the city. But a man whose opinion both you and I greatly respect said he and his family would never move because of their cherished friendships and because it takes longer when you’re older to build relationships. That gave me serious pause. I wouldn’t handle that “desert wandering” well either.

I did go out of state to college and eventually made wonderful friends there. But the difference there is that everyone is in the same boat; you’re not on the outside looking in.

jane: I sense that what bonds you with others is when you go through a major life transition together. I made close friends in college because, as you said, we were all "in the same boat" -- thrown together with no friends. When I had Sarah, I became friends with a group of fellow first-time moms. We all needed that adult connection badly; we compared mothering notes and kvetched about thickened waistlines, sleepless nights, and colicky babies. But I'm concerned that as we age, we go through fewer life transitions that knit us with others -- well, unless you count issues such as becoming a first-time grandparent, parenting an adult child, or navigating the shoals of elder-care.

betsey: And I also think the simple fact of being a woman on the “what’s next” journey can forge a connection. However, in my experience most friendships are formed by being on the same “path,” as a woman of my acquaintance once put it. Your kids are in school together; you work together; you go to the same church; you’re neighbors. Usually at least one of these has to be present to form the basis for a friendship.  The virtue of sinking deep roots in a place is that these “paths” increase exponentially.

jane: I agree. So what does one do when that path changes,  either by choice or by unwelcome circumstance? Suppose your husband gets a job offer he can't refuse (or you do!), and the only downside is the loss of your friends. Do you pass it up? How do you negotiate that kind of thing? If the move's for the man's career, he's likely going to have a built-in pool of potential friends through his colleagues. But the wife is left to start over. 

Or what if you simply decide to retire somewhere, away from everything familiar? I recently heard about some friends of friends who decided to downsize and simplify, so they sold most of their stuff, including their large home, and up and moved out West into a small condo. Wow! That takes guts. 

If you're more homebody than party person, where on earth do you begin? Especially if your personality is the type that finds it more difficult to make friends readily? That's the way I am: at first somewhat guarded, somewhat awkward, somewhat fearful of rejection. 

I'd love to hear what women who've had to pull up stakes and start over with friendships have done. I suspect many will say: "find a church"; "join a Bible study"; or "pursue a hobby." That's solid advice. But let's face it, haven't most of us tried those approaches in search of friends only to find everyone already has their friends, the women are cliquey, or you get rebuffed or ignored? Kind of the wallflower syndrome.

 

betsey: This is a hard one, because obviously people sometimes have no choice about moving. I know families who’ve left our area who admit they’ve had a hard time with it for a host of reasons -- difficult to find a comparable church, hard to break into established circles, etc. It can happen when people retire, too. This may be where long-distance friends come more into play, even though it’s not the same.

 

Obviously I’m showing my bias; I think moving out of an area, especially past a certain age, has to be considered very carefully. Even factors like the availability of good medical care need consideration. And I do know that we as Americans are moving less than we used to. Boomers are “aging in place,” according to the experts.

 

But this isn’t about moving, it’s about friends. And while moving makes it harder, I’m sure that staying put isn’t necessarily a recipe for wonderful lifelong relationships either. I would really like to hear how others have dealt with this.

jane: I would, too. I'd love to hear some friendship secrets -- so let us in on what has (or hasn't) worked for you!