I Am Woman, Hear Me . . . Wimp Out?

Jane: Yesterday was vet day. As I sat in the exam room for yet another visit to have Daisy's infection-prone ears checked and her anal glands expressed (oh, the joys of dog ownership), a strong female voice wafted through thin walls that barely muffled other waiting, whimpering dogs and cats.

“I'm really pragmatic about relationships,” this disembodied voice proclaimed. “I told him, when you grow up and become a man, then call me. I said, I may or may not be around, because I'm not waiting for you to grow up. I want to be in a relationship with a man, not a boy.”

Wow! I thought. That's one woman who isn't afraid to stand up for what she believes! I wanted to shout out, “You go, girl!” but had no idea for whom I'd be cheering. (I assumed she wasn't a fellow pet owner, sitting in adjacent exam room, ranting at her hapless dog or cat.)

As I waited with my nervous Labrador, I couldn't stop thinking about Mystery Woman's gutsy attitude; at least in this anonymous venue, she seemed unfettered by relational repercussions and emotional tailspins. I marveled at the difference between us.

Unlike her "I am woman, here me roar" persona, mine is more along the lines of "let's-see-if-we-can-make-everything-nice."

I tend to be a constant taker of relational temperatures. A wannabe-fixer of all interpersonal problems. A people-pleaser. What about you, Betsey?

Betsey: Jane, I don’t even want to know what it means to “express anal glands.” Lucy’s just been through a round at the vet for fleas, but all I heard in the next room was “Come on, Burley! (Buehrle?) Come on, girl!” “Burley” is a great name for a dog . . . Anyway, that is a really interesting conversation. My first response: I am so glad I am old and married and don’t have to worry about relationships with guys.

Jane: That thought crossed my mind, too!

Betsey: Seriously, though, I can be a conflict-averse, wanting-everything-nice sort of person, too. Although again, another advantage of being, let us say, “seasoned” is that sometimes you just want to let ‘er rip. I was in a somewhat sensitive conversation just recently and was startled at my own passion and candor about a particular issue. Because normally in that setting I would have been The Good Christian Girl.

Jane: Ah, yes, The Good Christian Girl. How did we learn to finesse that role?

Betsey: We were taught, both openly and through subtle cues, that to “perform” in that guise was the way to success. I don’t think we learned how to be appropriately direct and honest.

Jane: You're right -- all those vibes we picked up that suggest we mustn't ruffle feathers or make waves or step on toes. No, Good Christian Girls do what it takes to make sure no one's feelings get hurt. Or blame themselves when something goes wrong . . .

I remember when my husband and I underwent premarital counseling. Our pastor gently told us that our greatest challenge in marriage would be in resolving conflict because we both were conflict-averse. I can't speak for Rich, but for me, I suppose I'm afraid that if I make someone angry, that person will stop liking me -- and that thought really, really bothers me.

You know, the funny thing is, there have been times when I've spoken up -- let's say about a customer service issue -- and my daughters got all embarrassed. Once we were in a restaurant and I complained to the wait staff about something. My daughters said, “Mom, you're being so mean!” And I explained, “No I'm not, I'm just letting them know something isn't right.” But that reaction troubled me; I didn't want my girls equating articulating something that displeases you with being “not nice” or “mean.”

Betsey: Saying what you think can come across as “unfeminine,” or so we can think. It’s okay if a guy is blunt, but a woman . . . uh-uh.

Jane: Uh-uh is right. When I worked, there were a few occasions when as a manager, I ought to have told someone to curb a certain attitude or change a particular behavior. But

I was so afraid of hurting someone's feelings that I sidestepped the issue and used fancy words to skirt around it.

I only hinted at the problem. When I reflect on this now, I realize I wasn't doing either of us any favors. I should have been a bit more like Mystery Woman (only not as loud). In the long run, we all would have benefited.

Betsey: But it’s hard to do. I know when I’m on the other side, as the recipient . . . it’s awful. I would rather someone be nicey-nice and conflict-averse, I think!

Jane: That's why I land on the more nicey-nice side of things; I spend too much time imagining being in the other person's shoes. It's the Golden Rule, only a little skewed. Speaking the truth -- whether it's “You need to stop being so childish in this relationship” or “Your attitude is affecting the workplace and impacting morale, especially mine. We need to address this” -- isn't necessarily the same as calling someone on the carpet, is it? It's blunt, yes, but it's truthful. And although I'd rather wriggle around it, straight talk probably seems more insensitive and harsh than it is because I'm just not used to doing it. What do you think?

Betsey: You know, Jane, I’ve done some speaking and one of the things I’ve encountered, when it’s late at night and people are letting down their hair, is a real venting -- about husbands, church, work, etc. I got a sense from some of the women of I can’t do this in the course of my normal life, but here I’m safe. I’ve also seen women be subtly manipulative rather than be honest. I would like to see women, myself included, practicing a kinder, gentler honesty -- because our desire not to hurt is a strength -- while at the same time owning our feelings, being real.

Jane: Author Nancy Kennedy once wrote an article for Today's Christian Woman magazine on this very topic, “No More Ms. Nice Guy!” Nancy nailed it when she explored how her compulsion to be nice wasn't always healthy or even really Christian. That's food for thought.

I'll be back in the vet's office with Daisy in a couple of weeks for a follow-up. I can hardly wait! Who knows what I'll hear this time. But even if I never hear any more relationship updates from Mystery Woman, I heard enough to be a bit inspired. I too would like to become more adept at balancing chutzpah with kindness, honesty with nicety, and my feelings with other people's feelings.