What Should You Expect from Your Friends?

betsey: Jane, I want to pursue this idea we brought up a while back about what it takes to actually maintain a friendship, not just “structurally” (e.g. how many times do you see each other) but emotionally. Related to that is, what can we reasonably expect of our friends?

For example, it used to be a big deal that you should check in by phone with friends. It isn’t as important as it used to be, but I’ve never been a phone person, except with my daughter. I know people who are what I call “pick up the phone” types; they’ll have a spare minute and whip out their phone and just call someone to chat. I’ve never been that way so at times I’ve felt guilty over lack of reciprocity: she calls, I don’t.

jane: Oh my goodness, I didn't realize you aren't a phone person; I've NEVER been one. As a kid, I was intimidated by talking to people on the phone. Of course I had to get over that rather abruptly in the workplace and talked a lot (and conducted many, many interviews) by phone. But somehow, during that initial moment of having to dial, I'll still feel that momentary twinge of aversion . . .

But more about friendship and less about phobias! I guess I find email and texting have supplanted most of what a phone call used to accomplish in friendships. For example, look at us! How many times have we talked by phone? Yet our friendship is strong, forged by times together in person and times interacting over the Internet.

But I'd have to admit, if I'd sent you several emails and didn't hear back from you, I'd feel a tad neglected as a friend and wonder what was up.

betsey: I think we can get stuck on reciprocity. Over time there have been people who have invited me/us over more than I did them. But then I’ve had other friends who never reciprocated. Now, I think as Christians we should resist a “quid pro quo” mentality; still, when you feel like you’re doing more of the giving, it can breed resentment.

Does this happen to you?

jane: A definite yes. And we're getting into what I call my “pet-peeve territory.” I used to (operative word, used to) have a friend who never initiated anything. We'd get together for coffee or for dinner somewhere, and when we said our good-byes, she'd say, “Let's do this again soon.” But I was always the one to follow up and arrange for the next time. Someone out there is thinking, Duh, she just wasn't that into you, but honestly, I don't think that was the case. It's just that for some unknown reason, this woman shied away from initiating. And it made everything about our friendship feel very lopsided. I got irritated enough that I stopped contacting her – and that was that.

betsey: I can also be guilty of simply expecting too much, although I think this is less true as I’ve gotten old and maybe a bit less insecure! But you know how it is, we all read these articles or books about women with their friends who run over all the time and are so available and warmly understanding and not competitive and . . . you know. And we feel hurt when it seems our friends aren’t living up to this standard.

jane: Aw, Betsey, but I'm that way. Aren't I???

betsey: You really are, and I hope I am too, but I do think women can so long for that perfect soul-mate friend that we’re wanting something only God can supply – which gets back to that “idols” issue we were discussing last week.

Another interesting and possibly unanswerable question is, is there a limit on the number of close friends one can have?

jane: Sounds like we have our blog topic for next week. Can't wait to dissect that one!